Criminal Mind

Betul orang tua-tua cakap, semakin dekat hari penyatuan, semakin banyak godaan dan dugaan yang menimpa. Well, i don't know how to express my feelings anymore. Bercampur-aduk. Aku fikir banyak sangat ke apa? I just don't know.

Something happened and it reminds me of the future marriage that we'll be having soon. I'm not scared of the marriage. I'm just scared of myself. Am i going to be a good wife to him? Am i going to be a good mother to his kids? Am i going to be someone reliable, someone that can be depend on, or someone better than who i am today? Aku boleh ke? Aku mampu ke?

We keep on arguing on stupid things, which i am the one that 'created' the fight. Makin lama makin aku perasan yang Aizat dah macam malas nak melayan. Then, aku akan rasa macam being abandoned. Macam bodoh gila. Aku rasa down, rasa sedih, rasa macam Aizat dah tak sayang aku lagi. Like seriously, he is going to be my husband in less than 3 weeks! What do i expect? Bodoh kan?

Seriously, aku rindu zaman bercinta dulu. Ada banyak sangat benda nak cerita, nak share. Cakap berjam-jam pun tak apa, asalkan boleh bercakap dan bercakap dan bercakap sampai habis kredit walaupun dah topup 3 kali on the same day. Zaman tu zaman bunga-bunga kot. Zaman muda. Zaman rasa bercinta.

Then, lepas tunang aku perasan we are heading to a 'matured' relationship. Dah tak bercakap phone lama-lama, just kadang-kadang je la kot. Tapi masih ada. Aku still boleh jadi budak kecil yang sentiasa mahukan perhatian Aizat. And yes, he will always be there whenever i need him. You name it, bila-bila aku merajuk, aku mengada-ada, dia ada. I feel like our love is expanding more and more and moreeeee.

Tapi, bila dekat-dekat nak kahwin ni dah tak banyak benda nak cakap. Tak ada benda nak cerita. Tak ada benda nak share. Bila cakap phone je kami lebih banyak diam and concentrate on what we are doing at that particular time but with the phone in our hands. Sampai masa aku rasa macam, ' ok, i've had enough..', aku akan tanya dia, " Abang ada apa-apa lagi tak nak cakap?", dan dia akan reply after a long paused with, " emm dah tak da apa kot nak cakap. Sayang?". And, and, and suddenly aku akan rasa macam omaigod, sedih kot. I've been waiting for the whole day after work to talk with him but end up, 'tak da apa nak cakap'? Ok.

Bila aku teringat balik what we've been through selama ni, aku menangis. Semalam la the worst ever. Aku menangis dan menangis. Duduk sorang-sorang pulak tu. Bosan tahu? I need someone to talk, aku tiap-tiap hari call mak sebab saja nak sembang-sembang. Tapi takkan nak harap aku bergayut dengan mak sampai berjam-jam? Habis Papa tak payah makan? Baju tak payah gosok? Sebab tu aku rasa nak nak nakkk sangat spend the night dengan orang tersayang. Tapi bila dah tak ada apa nak cakap, dua-dua rasa bosan then i will start a fight. Ada saja la tak kena. Macam-macam. ( Okay, rasa nak terjun bangunan sekarang)

I feel veryyyyyy bad when Aizat asking me to give him some space. Like seriously, mana pernah dia cakap macam tu. Rasa macam kena tikam dekat dada. He needs some space when the marriage is just around the corner? (Okay, jom hentak kepala ke dinding pulak)

I shall stop here. Nak nangis dah rasa. This is the honest post ever. Mata aku dah bengkak teruk hari ni. Semua orang ingat aku sakit mata. Lantaklah. Asalkan korang bahagia.

I should find something to do lepas ni to hide this feeling and all the stupid stuffs in my head. Biarla kepala ni pecah. Biar semua idea dan fikiran jahat terbang pergi dekat orang lain.

Bye.